It doesn’t matter that you weren’t beaten black and blue or raped. It doesn’t matter if there wasn’t any physical manifestation of abuse. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have the worst story to tell.
What matters is you. And how you feel. It’s really true. We are each affected by how we experience the world. Everyone has different sensitivities. Things impact each of us differently. What feels bad to me may not feel that way to you. That doesn’t mean my feelings are less important.
Are you familiar with the research done by Harry Harlow and, separately, by René Spitz? Their inquiries provided critical foundational understanding about the damaging impact of neglect. It is fascinating reading and did much to help me accept that neglect can be just as damaging – and sometimes more so – than abuse. These studies argue the belief that feeding, sheltering and sending a child private school is sufficient evidence that a child has been well cared for. Much, much more is necessary.
T frequently says that what actually happened to me (with FOO, oldT, relationships) doesn’t really matter. What matters is how I experienced it, how I feel about it now. That’s what we have to work with.
So – no more fussing that your story isn’t as appalling as the next. Sputtering that your molestation wasn’t as horrendous as someone else’s rape. Believing that living with an alcoholic wasn’t as bad as being beaten. That’s all crap.
Close your eyes. Think about what’s disturbing you. Does it make you sad? Angry? Does it make you feel badly? OK then. It’s bad enough. Don’t fall into the trap of apologizing for your pain. It’s invalidating and you’re worth much more than that. Period.
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. - Theodore RooseveltI mean it.
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