Reciprocity In Therapy

We haven’t talked about what you give me, my therapist says. Immediately I think – well, I did just give you a check. Then, almost surprisingly, my next thought is not about my unworthiness or that I have nothing to give or that I could only give bad stuff.  I start to go there, but  without delay I think I would be demeaning her to think that I mean nothing or that I give nothing.

I can think whatever I want about myself, but I don’t do myself any favors by assuming she thinks poorly of me.  She  respects me. I believe she cares about me. I think she appreciates life at a deep level, and I am part of that life. To say that T views me as “just another client” is to call her trite. It’s like I’d be calling her one of those high school girls who gossips in the bathroom and then puts on a friendly face when she walks out.  Two-faced? No, I respect her more than that.

We didn’t talk about as it came up at the end of the session. Now I have a week to ponder… what do I give her? Am I “just” a part of “there’s goodness in every person” crowd? Or does she receive from me a unique gift that could only be given by me? I don’t know. Of course, I hope for the latter. Hope to be someone special. But then I think, how can I compete with so many longer term clients? On the other hand, maybe by being a new client, I am fresh, interesting, a new challenge.  Of course, I think, that only lasts so long. Or maybe not. I don’t know.

All of this came up in the context of hugging. Hugging each other.  I’ve often thought of the difference between asking to give a hug versus asking to receive a hug. T was suggesting  that it’s really both. It’s definitely something to think on. I want to approach it trying to think like T – not by what I’m projecting onto her. I must also recognize that there is T the therapist and T the person. T the therapist will be thinking about what is therapeutic for me. T the person? I have no idea what her experience of touch is. What would she be thinking if she was the client? No clue.

I feel so fortunate to be working with a T who recognizes there is a lot of reciprocity in the therapeutic relationship, and it’s not only okay to talk about it, it’s good to. The therapy gods are being good to me.

Every relationship between persons causes a picture of each to take form in the mind of the other, and this picture evidently is in reciprocal relationship with that personal relationship.  - Georg Simmel

Take time to consider.