All Charged Up

I believe there is enough static electricity in my hair to power the entire house. Seriously. I have long hair, so that contributes to the voltage. I can’t get out of bed, pet a dog or have a morning kiss without setting off sparks. And when I put on my polyester fleece robe, it’s as if my skin is buzzing with electrons. I know I have a dazzling personality, but geez!

I try to mitigate the harsh dryness of winter with a little bitty vaporizer that holds about a gallon of water. Not too bad if you sit right next to it all day. But it’s cheap and there’s a terrible lime buildup which must be scraped out routinely. Actually, the directions say to clean it every day. Shoot, who’s got patience for that?

My go-to solution is a spray bottle of water. It’s the same one I use to get the dogs’ attention when they are barking gratuitously because the ice maker just let loose a load of cubes. You would think they were about to be tazered by how quickly they calm down. In fact, I generally just make a show of the bottle and they do one of those, “Who me? I wasn’t doing anything.” If the sprayer isn’t close at hand, I'll sometimes menacingly point a diet coke or can of hairspray in their direction. I’ve even used a banana. Yes, I rule the house with cylindrical objects.

So, I go about the house, armed with my spray bottle, combating static electricity. Lest you think me a lunatic for my method, I’ll say in defense that I got the idea from my BIL who is a senior chemist at some big company. Surely he knows whereof he speaks. I spray anything cloth and I mist the air. My dogs think I’m mad at everything. I hear them muttering amongst themselves, “That bathrobe was really, really bad. It’s getting a complete soaking…”

Well… I’m all charged up and ready to go. You?

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?  - Dennis Miller

Zap!