Showing Up Vulnerable

It’s Sunday, and I have a confession.

Although I’ve been posting Morning Peeps since January 1^st, it hasn’t been until this past week that I started reading other's. I couldn’t jump back in 100%, writing MPs, reading discussions, responding. I knew it would be too much, but I wanted to peep.

In the past, I harshly and irrationally judged my self-worth by the way in which I perceived other forum members interacting with me. It triggered a LOT of anxiety in me. It got so I couldn’t think rationally about it. Now I try to remember (and believe) I am not the center of the world (go figure) and people aren’t out to get me. That others’ responses or lack thereof most likely have nothing to do with me.

 

None of you know me in real life, although you may *know* me better than my peeps IRL. I am vulnerable with your knowing, so I suppose it’s no wonder I feel anxiety. What happens in therapy, I don’t tell AN.Y.ONE. Except here. All the anguish I went through with oldT last year [If you’ve just started reading me, let me just say it was toxic – with ruptures as frequent and bumpy as the moguls in the Olympics], I didn’t tell anyone. Except here. I was raw and vulnerable. Maybe too raw to expose myself as much as I did. Still, I didn’t have anywhere else to turn for support. Not anywhere people really get it. I rather imagine I’m not alone in this and many of you feel just like me.

My therapy world was in tatters, and I was terribly battered by it. I felt way too exposed on the boards, and my anxiety about it was over the roof. I went on hiatus. I had to. I was in batten down the hatches survival mode. And then I felt very, very alone.

Returning, now, I am being careful, going slowly – as slow as one can while still posting something new every day. (Actually, that kind of seems like a racetrack but oh well.) I’m embarrassed to say, but I’ve created a list of the positive responses I’ve received about Morning Peeps. It does not stick with me at all that anyone likes reading it. So I pull out the list and read the comments and tell myself this is evidence that what I am writing has meaning to somebody. “I love the Morning Peeps. It is a great intro to the days.” I tell myself this person is not lying. Even though it still doesn’t truly sink in. I tell myself it’s evidence and given enough of it, there must surely be some truth.

So, here we are. I’m writing, reading, and soon I hope, responding. Baby steps, Kimosabe.

Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It's tough to do that when we're terrified about what people might see or think.  - Brene Brown

Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt –