Yesterday I received an email from oldT. I’d requested a
2013 statement for my taxes and she replied, writing that she’d send one as
soon as possible. I hadn’t been sure she’d respond, so seeing her name pop up
in my email sent 10,000 volts of memory and pain through me. In an instant, I
was sobbing. Strobe lights of rejection pummeled my heart, memories so fresh,
they might have happened yesterday.
Through tears, I tapped a text to T. She tapped back: try to
keep your power; don’t give it away. But I felt powerless. Be a champion, T
texted. She beat me, I wrote, and it hurts so much. Your little girl is
awaiting you, T responds. I got nothing for her, I reply. She can wait, says T,
until you’re ready. John Bradshaw writes about this, she adds.
I’m emotionally hung-over – still exhausted from the toll
those flashbacks exact. Today I plan to immerse myself in a lovely, lavender
scented bath – a place where I feel unconditionally embraced by gentle warmth –
and read Homecoming: Reclaiming and
Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw.
Our
sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal. Sadness is painful. We try
to avoid it. Actually discharging sadness releases the energy involved in our
emotional pain. To hold it in is to freeze the pain within us. The therapeutic
slogan is that grieving is the "healing feeling." -John Bradshaw
Be sad -
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